Black and White
Last Thursday I went to the Central Market. It is a huge outdoor market where you can buy anything from fruit to fish to kleenex to hairproducts to baskets to clothes. You name it, they've got it. Seriously. It's like a farmers market crossed with an outdoor KMart. For those of you who watch Amazing Race you may have seen one of our markets when the show came to Maputo. Or remember the first AR season with Rob and Amber when they were in South Africa? Same idea.
Anyway I went with 4 of my girlfriends and Amani. While I was there, several Mozambicans (mostly men) made very rude comments (in Portuguese and their local dialect) about the white woman with the black baby. I was hurt by these comments and their blatant dissaproval of me as Amani's mom. I felt defensive of my son and ready to attack in order to defend him. I felt angry that I was unfairly judged as unfit to raise him simply because of the color of my skin.
Now please understand that I was not capable of sorting through all of my emotions that quickly. This has been a process after a few days of thinking about this experience. What I did know immediately while I was at the market was I did not like the emotions I felt and I wanted to avoid having them again. So in a moment of desperation I told one of my friends that I didn't want to come back to the market with Amani. She looked at me and said, "Sarah, I love you, but you have got to learn to be less sensitive!" Now I know this friend loves me and she did not mean any harm by her comment. I know that she meant it as affirmation that those making the comments were to blame and not me. I know that she wanted to offer me support and encourage me that I should not feel hurt, but at that moment I wanted to scream, "What?!? They are saying bad things about me and my beloved son! How can I NOT be sensitive!"
I came home sad, confused, hurt, and wondering how in the world people could judge me without even knowing me. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The emotion that I felt and couldn't explain was one which I rarely experience. I felt shame, because I was white. And at that moment in the market if I could have changed the color of my skin I would have. And I realized that what I had just experienced was a very real form of racial prejudice and there are many people in this world who live with that every moment of every day. They live with those feelings of hurt, anger, shame and fear every single day. They fight against people who take one look at them and already decide they know something about who they are when in fact they don't have the slightest idea about who they are.
Now lest I come across as completely stupid and non forward thinking please know that Steve and I did talk about the realities of being white and having a black child. We did talk about how it would open up a whole new world of "ignorance" to us that we would have to learn to navigate. We did talk about how there could come a time when Amani might be embarrassed of our white skin. We talked about how there would be people who would make comments that would hurt, but until you live out those possibilities as realities you just can't understand.
As only God can do, comfort and wisdom came at the very moment I needed them and in the very way that I could hear. I got an email from my mom. It was a link to an online magazine called 9Marks. This edition was all about "color" issues. I almost cried as I thanked Jesus for his perfect timing and absolute provision. I was overwhelmed by His care of my wounded heart and His willingness to minister to me in a way that allowed me to see other people's experiences and what I could learn. It was a powerful moment for me as I began to understand that this "discrimination" I had felt was the beginning of a life time of learning and educating others.
I know that this is just the tip of the iceburg and I am sure that God intends this for His ultimate glory. If it is only so I can help my son navigate the landmines of discrimination then I will endure it gladly. If God can use my experiences for other purposes then so be it. I will wait on Him for direction as I continue to be educated by experiences.
In the meantime I remain a white girl madly in love with a black boy!
Anyway I went with 4 of my girlfriends and Amani. While I was there, several Mozambicans (mostly men) made very rude comments (in Portuguese and their local dialect) about the white woman with the black baby. I was hurt by these comments and their blatant dissaproval of me as Amani's mom. I felt defensive of my son and ready to attack in order to defend him. I felt angry that I was unfairly judged as unfit to raise him simply because of the color of my skin.
Now please understand that I was not capable of sorting through all of my emotions that quickly. This has been a process after a few days of thinking about this experience. What I did know immediately while I was at the market was I did not like the emotions I felt and I wanted to avoid having them again. So in a moment of desperation I told one of my friends that I didn't want to come back to the market with Amani. She looked at me and said, "Sarah, I love you, but you have got to learn to be less sensitive!" Now I know this friend loves me and she did not mean any harm by her comment. I know that she meant it as affirmation that those making the comments were to blame and not me. I know that she wanted to offer me support and encourage me that I should not feel hurt, but at that moment I wanted to scream, "What?!? They are saying bad things about me and my beloved son! How can I NOT be sensitive!"
I came home sad, confused, hurt, and wondering how in the world people could judge me without even knowing me. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The emotion that I felt and couldn't explain was one which I rarely experience. I felt shame, because I was white. And at that moment in the market if I could have changed the color of my skin I would have. And I realized that what I had just experienced was a very real form of racial prejudice and there are many people in this world who live with that every moment of every day. They live with those feelings of hurt, anger, shame and fear every single day. They fight against people who take one look at them and already decide they know something about who they are when in fact they don't have the slightest idea about who they are.
Now lest I come across as completely stupid and non forward thinking please know that Steve and I did talk about the realities of being white and having a black child. We did talk about how it would open up a whole new world of "ignorance" to us that we would have to learn to navigate. We did talk about how there could come a time when Amani might be embarrassed of our white skin. We talked about how there would be people who would make comments that would hurt, but until you live out those possibilities as realities you just can't understand.
As only God can do, comfort and wisdom came at the very moment I needed them and in the very way that I could hear. I got an email from my mom. It was a link to an online magazine called 9Marks. This edition was all about "color" issues. I almost cried as I thanked Jesus for his perfect timing and absolute provision. I was overwhelmed by His care of my wounded heart and His willingness to minister to me in a way that allowed me to see other people's experiences and what I could learn. It was a powerful moment for me as I began to understand that this "discrimination" I had felt was the beginning of a life time of learning and educating others.
I know that this is just the tip of the iceburg and I am sure that God intends this for His ultimate glory. If it is only so I can help my son navigate the landmines of discrimination then I will endure it gladly. If God can use my experiences for other purposes then so be it. I will wait on Him for direction as I continue to be educated by experiences.
In the meantime I remain a white girl madly in love with a black boy!
posted by Sniders in Africa at 9/08/2007 09:01:00 AM
<< Home